For Christian leaders, genuine friendships where we are free to be ourselves are lifelines to health and resilience. And yet, genuine friendships can often be so hard to find for us leaders—for pastors, for lay church leaders, and for leaders in other key roles. We leaders, for all our bravado, can feel insecure in our ability to make deep and mutual friendships.
Yet Jesus said to his disciples, “I have called you friends”! (John 15:15) Jesus’ befriending us a model of how to live, to live with real friendships, mutual friendships, where we leave our role behind. We can remember that Jesus chooses us as friends, “You did not choose me but I chose you.” (John 15:16) Encouraged by Jesus choosing us as a friend, healed in Jesus’ company, we can risk real friendships.
A recent study into healthy pastoral ministry found that strong relationships with friends, family, and co-workers is the most important factor in pastoral resilience. If the research tells us that we leaders need intimate friendships, the example of Jesus’ friendship in John chapter 15 gives us courage to step out and risk real friendships.
In John’s gospel, Jesus experiences an intimacy with the Father that “the Greco-Roman philosophers only dreamed of.”[1] And Jesus extends that intimacy to his disciples: “I have called you friends!”
Can we relate to Jesus in this way, as friends? Reflecting on friendship with Jesus, a pastor commented: “Learning to relate to Christ as friend isn’t natural. It’s a discovery, an inclination, a desire.” And is it possible that, as leaders, our tendency not to have close, intimate friendships feeds into our low expectations, or closedness, in our friendship with Jesus? Maybe these two kinds of friendships build on each other: we either grow accustomed to intimacy (both with Jesus and with others), or, we grow accustomed to distance. John 15 prompts us to follow Jesus’ example and choose intimacy.
God may be inviting you to take a risk and reach out for a mutual friendship. Or perhaps God is inviting you to make more space to deepen the friendships you have. As you do, something beautiful may emerge. A new melody—beauty that can only arise when we set our role aside and are free to be our real selves.
Bread of Heaven - Fred Hammond
Mark Glanville - Piano
Conor Wilkerson - Vocals
[1] Martin M. Culy, Echoes of Friendship in the Gospel of John (Sheffield: Sheffield Phoenix, 2010), 177.